Five Levels of Hangovers

To all my good drunkerbee friend and those who USED to be!-LK

(can any of you guess where this came from ?)

Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness.

You're able to function relatively well. However, you

are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel

this way. For some reason, you are

craving a steak & fries.

***********

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely

amiss. You may look okay, but you have the

mental capacity of a staple gun.

The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your

rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the

fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion.

There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

******************

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy.

You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks

by you gag because her perfume reminds you of

the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends

dared you to drink.

Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed

watching Lucy reruns.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,

3 iced teas and a diet Coke--

yet you haven't peed once.

*************

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing.

You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.

Your boss has already lambasted you for

being late and has given you a lecture for reeking

of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the

fact that you only shaved one side of your face.

For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up

on while riding the bumper cars.

Your eyes look like one big red vein, and

even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm,

and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings

water to the eyes of everyone who enters

the bathroom.

***************

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in

your head, which is actually annoying the employee

who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping

out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners

of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt

to get the remnants of the poop fairy out.

Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so

your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have

the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was

passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to

take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of

alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in.

The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to

be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.

Death sounds pretty good about right now ..

***************************

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY

WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT

TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;

Loquacious; Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE

TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

Nope, no more booze for me.

Sorry, but you're not really my type.

Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.

Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

**************

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...

but, a true friend

will be sitting next to you saying, '

Damn, we fucked up.'