July 16,2010

( yes , this will be buried too)

Excuse me for being so angry, pissed off and

unapproachable ALL THE TIME.

It is so easy to have the answers when you are not

me . Yes, I am eating the wrong foods again. I am stress eating

deal with it !!

I am lonely and I am depressed. Yes, I know my

husband is supporting me ( I get a reminder every time I have to

ask for money so I can stop and get a cold drink or get my hair cut ) and I should get

over it , but it is not that fucking easy, and the time to talk

to me about this stuff is not after you have been

drinking for 5 hours.

Everybody has something to do,except me , so I

eat , I eat out of frustration and boredom.

Don't tell me to find friends , I have been trying for 10 fucking

years and I refuse to be hypocrite and become a "make believe " bible banger

just t o have somebody to talk to. I don't need any more

make believe anything. I don't need my family trying to

"talk" to me when I am on the edge .

Try talking to me when I have had a nights sleep,

not at 4am when I am in meltdown mode.

Don't tell me "Do Something" .

I have tried the "volunteer thing"-

did lots of work , made no friends ,

they all just want to take me to church.

I know I cannot physically do a lot of things,

but I am not dead yet. well I guess I am ,

I am in Arkansas with no friends and family that

just does not get it . Serena & Tom find many hours

of things to talk about . I guess I have also lost

the ability to hold an intelligent conversation.

I think I will get a doctor to write yet ANOTHER prescription for

happy pills- something stronger and more mind numbing,

then I won't mind being alone in a room full of people.

Serena, you tell me you are a single Mom,

well it sure isn't because we have not tried to help.

You just have to be in control of Jack 24/7.

It is not natural. He needs to

learn to depend on somebody other than you.

Our poor baby does not know what do do,

You want a baby , John wants a friend , he is neither.

True , I don't stay up til 3 am -- I am 62 years old

and am in pain of one sort or other most days and nights.

My sleep pattern are matched to Tom's.

Yes, I am ANGRY,

I am angry that my life is almost over, I am angry because

the girl at wal-mart screwed stuff up again.I am angry because my body hurts

all the time, I m angry because I am not functioning on all cylinders.

What are my options ?

Drive to another state to shop or deal with the idiots??

Get a body transplant -- I wish--

Yes, I am eating ice cream -because I don't puke it up.

But lets all monitor what I put in my mouth, because I

guess I can't figure out it is bad for me .

Please be sure

to remind me of these things when I have had 3 or 4

really shitty days in a row..

It makes perfect icing for the situation.

Serena, I don't care where you guys move to, yes, I would prefer it

be close to us , but it is not our life,so we know that will not happen. I just

don't want to be a memory to Jack. That is one of my biggest fears .

OMG-- here I am dramatic, depressed and typing to myself

I used to be intelligent , have friends and

have fun