As Time Goes By.....

A little bit about EVERYTHING.. Family , friends , life, death,rants and raves. Just a place for me to get it all out of my system..

Location: Arkansas, United States

Monday, January 01, 2001

July 16,2010
( yes , this will be buried too)
Excuse me for being so angry, pissed off and
unapproachable ALL THE TIME.
It is so easy to have the answers when you are not
me . Yes, I am eating the wrong foods again. I am stress eating
deal with it !!
I am lonely and I am depressed. Yes, I know my
husband is supporting me ( I get a reminder every time I have to
ask for money so I can stop and get a cold drink or get my hair cut ) and I should get
over it , but it is not that fucking easy, and the time to talk
to me about this stuff is not after you have been
drinking for 5 hours.
Everybody has something to do,except me , so I
eat , I eat out of frustration and boredom.
Don't tell me to find friends , I have been trying for 10 fucking
years and I refuse to be hypocrite and become a "make believe " bible banger
just t o have somebody to talk to. I don't need any more
make believe anything. I don't need my family trying to
"talk" to me when I am on the edge .
Try talking to me when I have had a nights sleep,
not at 4am when I am in meltdown mode.
Don't tell me "Do Something" .
I have tried the "volunteer thing"-
did lots of work , made no friends ,
they all just want to take me to church.
I know I cannot physically do a lot of things,
but I am not dead yet. well I guess I am ,
I am in Arkansas with no friends and family that
just does not get it . Serena & Tom find many hours
of things to talk about . I guess I have also lost
the ability to hold an intelligent conversation.
I think I will get a doctor to write yet ANOTHER prescription for
happy pills- something stronger and more mind numbing,
then I won't mind being alone in a room full of people.
Serena, you tell me you are a single Mom,
well it sure isn't because we have not tried to help.
You just have to be in control of Jack 24/7.
It is not natural. He needs to
learn to depend on somebody other than you.
Our poor baby does not know what do do,
You want a baby , John wants a friend , he is neither.
True , I don't stay up til 3 am -- I am 62 years old
and am in pain of one sort or other most days and nights.
My sleep pattern are matched to Tom's.
Yes, I am ANGRY,
I am angry that my life is almost over, I am angry because
the girl at wal-mart screwed stuff up again.I am angry because my body hurts
all the time, I m angry because I am not functioning on all cylinders.
What are my options ?
Drive to another state to shop or deal with the idiots??
Get a body transplant -- I wish--
Yes, I am eating ice cream -because I don't puke it up.
But lets all monitor what I put in my mouth, because I
guess I can't figure out it is bad for me .
Please be sure
to remind me of these things when I have had 3 or 4
really shitty days in a row..
It makes perfect icing for the situation.
Serena, I don't care where you guys move to, yes, I would prefer it
be close to us , but it is not our life,so we know that will not happen. I just
don't want to be a memory to Jack. That is one of my biggest fears .
OMG-- here I am dramatic, depressed and typing to myself
I used to be intelligent , have friends and
have fun