10 Years Later

These are entries that I have copied from a journal that I kept

during dark days after the accident . I will not be posting all

of them because some of them are very private and

some of them are very very scary.

11/18/96

Therapy was rough this morning!! Am finally able to pick up

light weight objects with thumb & index finger .. Very light

things- styrofoam peanuts - but it's a start..

Had to have Gary adjust my daytime splint again - it was leaving

ridges in my arm again.. Did some christmas shopping this afternoon.

I am reallypissed that I can't wrap anything - I have to wait until

somebody is here and askthem to do my gift wrap.. That

is half the fun of the holidays - so this is just
another thing to add to the list of things that this accident has

taken from me..

12/24/96

Christmas Eve and Serena is in Phoenix - My poor Strider is in

such bad shape.. I know he will not be here for the New Year.

He has been my best friend for 13 years and I will

not make him suffer anymore.

What a shit year!!

My accident, Herb dying and now my boy will have

to be put down.

I can't take this-

It is a rotten thing to do to Tom - but I cannot take

him to the vet, Tom will have to do it.

Like he hasn't had enough this year..

*****************************************

12/26 - Christmas was as good as could be expected..

Great gifts but the joy just isn't here this year.

12/27/96

The boy is gone - Tom took him to Mitch's office today. I will not have
another pet - it is to hard to deal with when they get sick..

My heart is broken and Tom is so torn up from taking him. He stayed with him

until he crossed Rainbow Bridge. Mitch & Lisa we both very broken up.. Strider

was like one of their own.. What other dog runs to the vets office and scratches

on the door to get in???

*******************************

June 28, 2010

Jack has been a very unhappy boy all day ..

His hip/ groin area is very tender..

When I suggested that John take him to the doctor,

he basically shrugged it off.

Jack has been crying all day , but now that

I think about it , he crys all the time when John is home.

* * * *

John forgets that Jack is a 4 year old Mama's boy..

Serena and John practice different styles of parenting

and Jack never knows what is right. I am soo

pissed at John right now that I would like to throw

him out of here, but I am afraid it would end my connection

with Jack and that would kill me .

* * * *

June 29,2008

I am posting these back here for me .. Nobody reads this far back - so it gives me a place to vent.

fed up
I can't believe I am going to be stuck in the )$*!^$ house for the next
2 months. If I get any kind of infection it will delay the knee replacement
surgery .. I am bored out of my mind as it is .. Living here in a 3rd
world country -- no friends , nothing to do.
I am about ready to scream .
He gets out and goes to the farm , has people to talk to at work,
gets to eat meals cooked by somebody else and I sit in the house.
What's wrong with this picture??
I just thought I was miserable in Colorado-- at least there
I had some friends and people actually did things
that were not church related.
Don't give me any shit about , go find something to do.
I have tried for 9 freaking years , and no matter
what I try - nothing works. These are the most
clannish , unfriendly people I have EVER had to
deal with.
I am sooooooooooooooooooo
fucking fed up with Arkansas.

July 20,2008

Just reading an email from a friend and she was telling me how her family and friends threw her the mother of all 60th birthday parties.. They all went to mexico for 3 days - EVERYBODY -- Hell I have not had a birthday party thrown for me since I was 21.. I plan for everybody else , but mine just seems to be another day .

Makes me feel bad ..

6/2009

Hi , welcome to the mother of all pity parties.. I am giving up facebook. I've been told "Don't post everything " So now I will post NOTHING.. I won't bore anybody with my dull fucking useless boring life. It is so fucking hot , I can't leave the house or my feet swell up like watermelons.. So I am stuck. I wish I was not here